The Return of the Egg Man and Other Idiots

I am distinctly nervous when I haven't seen Mishka for at least ten minutes. This usually signals he's sneakily egg hunting. Last weekend I noticed him lying beneath a tree on the lawn panting away. Thinking he was suffering from the summer heat I just left him alone until he made his way inside at lunch time. Immediately the most pungent aroma filled the house and I realised he'd gorged himself on a nest of rotten hens' eggs. How he finds these is a mystery, he seems to have been born with an innate ability to discover nests hidden away in remote areas that he never usually goes.

That night the smell was so potent I made him sleep in the hallway, grateful for the fact that I am not addicted to cigarettes as one struck match could have ignited the foul stench and blown the whole house away. In desperation I lifted up his tail and saw the remnants of various effusions so spent ten minutes "dagging" (cutting the messy hair) from around his rear end which frankly is a job I should receive danger money for.

Monday I received a call from my brother to say that Fungus the Bogey Car (my car left at his place) had been vandalized and the two right doors kicked in. This is the second time in three years that some idiot has had a go at it which infuriates me as anyone could tell it's a very old car that belongs to a financially challenged person. Rich too it to a panel beater who quoted repairs costing $800. As the car is only insured for $1000 and really only worth $300 we were both worried that the insurance company would write it off which would leave me without a car at all as you cannot buy anything roadworthy for a thousand these days. We both visited the insurance company who promised to do their best but since then I have been too frightened to ring and learn their decision.

Wednesday morning before I went to my art group I discovered "Limpy" a very old bantam hen had died in her sleep so there was a burial at 7am. Despite this sad start I had a pleasant day and came home late afternoon to confirm an advert I have placed in the accommodation wanted section of the local paper. At 8.45pm however I received a phone call from The Landlord who told me that despite telling me I had till mid March to find a place he wants me out yesterday as he has builders lined up to do alterations to the house. He asked if I had a Plan B which of course I haven't so he has told me to double my efforts to find somewhere to live. Obviously he thinks I just sit around eating bon bons and not doing anything. I was too gobsmacked to even ask when he was going to fix the broken window which has been left now for eight weeks.Add all this to relatives ringing to say my mother is dying it has not been a good start to the year.

The Gang Of Five

After last week's heatwave we've been lucky to have several days of gentle rain up here. Before it began on Saturday I rushed out and cut down the eight feet tall dried foxglove stalks, gently lying them in newspaper before bringing them inside to harvest. And that's when all the fun started. I spent hours sitting on the floor gently prising unopened pods and emptying the tiny brown seeds into an old honey container. This process literally took hours with me intermittedly screaming as very weird looking spiders ran up my arms. I am not good with creepy crawlies and by the time I'd finished harvesting I was itching all over. Result: I ended up with half a honey container full of tiny brown seeds plus a sore bum.

The wire fence between my place and the big paddock is just a joke these days. It is actually just a roll of wire netting that's held to the main fence by a single strand of rusty wire. I tried to improve it by threading wooden standards through to add stability but it still wobbles first to one side then the other. So it wasn't surprising one morning to meet a black faced ram in the back yard when I went out to feed the chooks. He calmly gazed back at me before returning to the fence and hopping delicately over.

For several days "Boris" as I named him would come in for a few minutes before the sight of me sent him walking back to his own field. But then he began bringing four of his friends along with him for the adventure. They were always the four same animals- one with curly horns "Horny", another black faced ram "Horatio", "Limpy" and "Sid". Initially I was worried about the garden but since I'm not going to be here much longer I gave up worrying and just hoped they would make a good job of mowing the lawn. If I went outside Boris would lead the gang back to the fence and they'd jump over. Who says sheep aren't smart? But yesterday Andrew's dogs rounded them up and took them away much to Briar's distress (she ran up and down the fence braying abuse at him). I thought they were all gone but this morning poor Horny was lying in the field stone dead. I guess the excitement just got too much for him.

Furballs Rule OK

Kit is one very constipated cat. I noticed her making frequent trips to her litter box where she squeezed her full rotundedness into the small space, staring up at me with big soulful yellow eyes. I figured being long haired she must have an obstruction so yesterday began giving her "Cat Lax" which is meant to solve the hairball problem. Totally offended at having an inch of dark brown goo squished onto her nice clean white paw Kit now turns her back on me while "in situ" so that I can only see a humungous black fluffy tail hanging over the edge of the tray. Some creatures just don't appreciate being helped. Very few supermarkets seem to stock the anti hairball formulated dry food she's meant to eat so often I have to substitute the weight watcher's version instead. It doesn't look any different and still costs a tail and a paw but obviously it's not doing the job as Kit still wobbles about like a black furry basketball with legs.

I had a tough start to the year when one of my new does suddenly died on New Year's Day. Initially I thought she was being affected by the heat so treated her accordingly but was completely shocked when I went to feed her in the afternoon and found her lying stone dead on the cage floor. Two days later her litter sister went the same way with no preceding symptoms. I was completely devastated as I could not work out what the problem was and after nearly a week it is still a mystery as everyone else is fine.

I was meant to go see a house on Tuesday. Sounded ideal and the landlady seemed keen but the next morning there was a message on the phone from her husband saying he wanted a man who could take over farm work when they went on holiday. I rang another number only to be told they'd just leased out their land and there was only a house available. So it looks like I shall have to advertise in the local newspaper when it starts up again.

After reading about the Law Of Attraction (thinking positive) I sat down and made a "vision board" with pictures and words of everything I want to attract into my life. I stuck a photo of my ideal house with the words "own your own piece of paradise" beneath just to give the universe a hint. And ok there was a picture of Johnny Depp on the page as well but you just never know.....